I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
