I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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