Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
