im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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