my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
