Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
