When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
