I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
