FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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