We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
