You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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