Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Did I show you my penis last night?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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