Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
