I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
