Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
