Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
