New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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