remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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