just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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