I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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