four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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