is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
