too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
