I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Life without a bra equals bliss.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
