***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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