I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He did a backflip because drugs
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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