Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
