we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I need to stop coming to work sober
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When did angry sex become our thing?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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