still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
