Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
