dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
