My Higher Power is John Stamos
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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