Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
