I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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