Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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