I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
