Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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