Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
