sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
