Jerry, you need to find god
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
