Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
