getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize