why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
there is puke in my bra ... again
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
