It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
