dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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