my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
