i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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