this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
