the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Randomize
