Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
