the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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