Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
