at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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