Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
