We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
