How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
