im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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