a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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