winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
