wakey wakey hands off snakey
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
