A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
