If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
