You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
